Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
