if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
