Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
