I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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