My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
