I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
