i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
