I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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