who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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