I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
