Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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