put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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