nut hugger
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
