there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
