Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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