They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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