my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
