It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
