It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize