My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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