What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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