Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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