Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
