I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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