what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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