i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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