oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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