she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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