Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
