Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
