my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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