Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
