So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
that may or may not have been my penis.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
