im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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