porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize