You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
