You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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