What tipped you off? The sombrero?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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