my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize