highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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