My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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