I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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