I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
