Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize