i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
