I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
