I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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