I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
