Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize