You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
