I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
