Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
