I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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