I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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