I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
