I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
