Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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